Happy Manniversary To Me
Or 14 years since I started testosterone...
Today, June 15th, iss the 14th anniversary of the day I began taking testosterone. Or, as I like to call it, my “Manniversary.”
Gender-affirming hormone therapy is not only life changing, it can be life-saving. It can help align a trans person’s physical characteristics with their gender identity which can help to alleviate gender dysphoria. The Mayo Clinic simply defines gender dysphoria as “a feeling of distress that can happen when a person’s gender identity differs from their sex assigned at birth.”
I always knew I was a boy, but growing up as a kid in the 1980s I didn’t have the language to express it, nor did I have any exposure to transgender people through media or in my family’s personal circle. I was always confused when adults insisted I use the girl’s bathroom or play on the girl’s softball team. I was a pretty rough-and-tumble little kid, so my parents called me a “tomboy” and I latched onto that terminology like a drowning person to a life raft. It didn’t fit quite right, but it was better than being a girl.
When I got older and realized I was attracted to women, I thought maybe I’d just been a lesbian the entire time and didn’t know. In my 13 year old brain, lots of lesbians probably felt like men, right?
As I continued to get older my body continued to develop into someone I didn’t recognize. I had this image of what I looked like in my head, and when I was confronted with reality there was a severe and upsetting disconnect between what I thought I should be seeing and what I was actually seeing. Walking past a mirror or a reflective surface was not only jarring, it would shock me every time - like an awful surprise over and over and over again.
When I started performing as a drag king in my late twenties and saw myself with my chest flattened (let’s hear it for Elmer’s adhesive spray and Gorilla tape), and with facial hair, I started to see the person in the mirror that I’d always seen in my head. Things started to click into place and I realized…I didn’t want to be a man. I was a man, and had been one my entire life.
When I started testosterone, I was so tremendously excited. I couldn’t wait to see the changes I was promised. Perhaps it was because I was already 31 years old, or perhaps it was just my luck, but those changes took FOREVER. I know some trans men who were able to grow a full beard after just a few months on testosterone whereas it took me nearly three years to grow more than a couple of scraggly hairs on the underside of my chin. Not connected, just in each corner - it was pretty sad.
My face shape did change as the fat was redistributed, and I got freakishly strong without even trying. I had more energy and pep. I started snoring as my larynx started changing and my voice got lower. I couldn’t sing as high as I used to. My libido tripled.
But the biggest changes I noticed were in the way I felt about myself. It was like this voice that had been shouting, “This isn’t right!” in my brain for 31 years was suddenly quieted. I felt calmer. I felt more even-keeled. Small things didn’t bother me as much, and I was able to handle big things without feeling overwhelmed. My self-confidence improved. My mood improved. I used to say that testosterone was the best anti-depressant and mood stabilizer I’d ever been on. The feelings of frustration and suicidal ideation and desperation that I’d felt since even before puberty hit started to be replaced with feelings of hopefulness and comfort and just a sense of things being right.
Eventually, I did grow facial hair and I did start to fully recognize my face when I saw it in the mirror. In 2017 - five years after starting testosterone - I had top surgery and finally recognized my body as well.
I think most cis people take for granted the congruence that comes from seeing the same person in their brain as they see in the mirror. It doesn’t occur to them how distressing it could be for someone to have a different experience because their experience just feels so right. When that experience feels wrong, it can cause such pain and anguish. It’s proof that we intrinsically know who we are even when the world tells us otherwise.
Clinical research shows that gender-affirming hormone therapy reduces stress. It improves the quality of life for trans people. It certainly did for me. I’m beyond grateful to have had access to safe and reasonable healthcare 14 years ago, and that I continue to at this point in my life, especially with the state of the country being what it is. Trans healthcare saves lives. It’s important that we continue to be able to access it at whatever age we need it.
I’m not really able to do anything to celebrate this year because of my chronic pain, but I’m happy to have reached another milestone. Even though it’s only been 14 years, it feels like forever and I think that’s a good thing. Happy Manniversary to me.